During my maternity leave I would sometimes pull out my computer to journal. There was so much to process about becoming a mom. I haven’t shared anything that I wrote during that time, but over a year later, it feels right to share some of it. I hope you feel comforted as you read it, knowing you aren’t alone in the difficult, beautiful journey of motherhood. Here is my journal from Jan. 11, 2021:
Our first week home with Emersyn was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and full of the sweetest memories. I don’t want to forget the way it felt to be a mom for the first time – the joys and the unexpected pain.
The first few nights Justus and I would wake up together for each feeding, every two hours. We were working hard to help Emersyn get back to her birth weight. Something I never knew would be so important. We would take her out of the bassinet in our room and head to the nursery. I would sit in the rocker preparing to feed her while Justus changed her diaper. Feeding her was so challenging, and we would pray for her to latch on and eat for more than a few minutes. Justus would continue to ask me if she was “on”, anxiously waiting to push start on the timer.
One night, to keep ourselves awake, Justus made a playlist of old country songs to keep us awake. Most of them about babies or family. We listened to Randy Travis tearing up together as Emersyn ate. It was the sweetest night.
One afternoon I developed mastitis and had a fever of 101. I called the doctor on call because it was the weekend, but didn’t hear back. I called several hours later and tried again to reach the doctor. I woke up to feed Emersyn at midnight with a 102, almost 103 fever and called again. Something had happened and the doctor wasn’t getting my messages. Finally, around 1 a.m. we got in touch and she called in antibiotics for me. Meanwhile, Emersyn wasn’t able to breastfeed because my breasts were so full and hard. It was so painful physically and emotionally. I was stressed and it was stressing Emersyn. I would pump and Justus would give it to her through a bottle, and thankfully she ate from a bottle very well.
After a few days of the painful breast infection, I made the difficult decision to switch to formula. I would slowly wean myself from pumping, and move to a mix of breastmilk and formula until I ran out. It seems so simple when it’s written down, but it was days of agonizing over what to do. I wanted to give her breast milk more than anything, but she wouldn’t latch and I couldn’t sustain pumping for every feed. I read article after article of what to do and talked to her doctor, my doctor and my lactation consultant. Ultimately, this decision meant I would be a healthier mom for Emersyn and able to feed her without anxiety or physical pain.
Nothing could have prepared me for the first few weeks at home with my Emersyn. I thought I would be taking a million pictures of her, going on walks and socializing. In reality it was full of tears, it was hard to communicate with friends and family and I was so sick while recovering from labor and mastitis. I don’t want to be negative; I just don’t want to forget what it felt like because each day that she and I grow together, learn about each other and feel a bit better is the greatest reward. Being a mom and breastfeeding isn’t just the easiest, natural thing, yet I know I was made to be a mom. My mom told me today that breast milk isn’t actually the best thing that I can give my baby – love is. I love her more than anything and I’m ready to sew into her life everyday with outrageous love, whether I am feeding her, rocking her, giving her a bath or consoling her cries. I’m her mom.
